


Sleep

by tsukiko_gori



Category: Big Bang (Band), Nyongtory - Fandom
Genre: GRi - Freeform, M/M, Nyongtory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-13 11:20:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7974973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsukiko_gori/pseuds/tsukiko_gori
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jiyong can't sleep and Seungri notices</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sleep

 

#  –––––––––––––––––––  
SLEEP  
–––––––––––––––––––

 

 

 

 

«no... that's not it» he clicks his tongue and shakes his head, the headphones threatening to slip off by the simple movement. He uncrosses his arms and straighten his back, shuffling his chair closer to his desk, the little wheels screeching annoyingly under his weight. His hands slide automatically to the keyboard in front of him, his fingers tap lightly over the keys, testing words that he repeats under his breath.  
Black letters against white, black and white, it seems easy to choose which word is the best, but as he listens to the recording, the sound that resonates makes him cringe.

It should come easy, really, but it isn't, even if the melody is pretty clear inside his mind. He hums the song, trying to use the deafness, caused by the great isolation that his Beats headphones are providing, to his advantage.  _There_ , he could picture it, the song opens with an acoustic guitar, he could hear T.O.P deep voice sing the first verse, low, guttural and raw, right after the sweet and pure voice Seungri owned, changing the sound but keeping the feel. The guitar starts playing higher chords, not enough for a clear change, just enough to instill hope and then down again, while he sings his part keeping the softness, almost whispering, just before the drums begin to set the pace and Daesung's voice follows, sure, pleading, scratchy, and Youngbae comes in and pleads more, his voice pure and strong. His voice comes again, this time the whispering completely gone, the other's voices giving his voice support.

It's all so clear, from the beginning to the very end, the instruments that play, when those instruments come in and when they fade. The voice of each band member, the tone, the feel, the harmony to empathize certain words... but the words? Those are far away from his grasp.

He glances at the clock in the right corner of the screen and sighs. 5:12 in the morning, his third night without getting a wink of sleep.

Sometimes, during the past month, his body gives in and finally let him rest, but it's once every couple of days and always in the worst situations. He always gets woken up by either his manager or his bandmates, and he snatches the first thing that could help him wake up enough to get through the day, enough for his brain to cooperate.

He stands up and walks towards his bed. His back is aching and if his ass wasn't already flat, it soon would be because of the position. He tries to fall asleep but the mattress is too hard and his pillows are too soft, beside all of that, his covers are too light to cover him from the chilly wind blasting from his AC. He curses inwardly for ever letting her choose, she's gone anyway and when they met it was usually in Japan, so why did he let her chose pieces of furniture she would barely use? Right, because he _loved_ her. 

He snorts at the thought and rolls over, entangling further with his sheets. He could turn off the AC, _if_ he knew how, but he doesn't so he's most likely to never fall asleep in that damn bed. A damn bed he deserved. He deserved every bit of his sleepless nights, he deserved his malfunctioning body as well as he deserved every second of regret inside his mind.

His heart started to ache, badly. The kind of ache one gets when he reads of the deep suffering the main character of your book is going through. The one that makes you feel like your heart was being grabbed and squeezed, just because you couldn't even manage to understand how much suffering that character was going through, but you read it and your throat closes, your eyes feel weird, your nose itches and before you know, you're trying so hard not to cry, gulping down over and over, but your eyes are already unfocused, and the words before you are so difficult to read.  
His heart aches and there's nothing he can do, because no doctor can fix it, he could have, but he was _in love–_

«fuck it» he jumps back up, not even a bit tired –not mentally at least– and strides to his desk to grab his packet of Marlboro Gold, he ponders briefly if to bring back to bed just a cigarette or the entire pack, he glances at his drawer and picks two packages and an ashtray, along with his notebook and his lucky pen, the one he has never changed ever since Yang Hyun Suk gave it to him to sign his first contract with YG. He's wishing that some idea can hit his mind while he smokes away his anxiety.

His mind is empty when his phone begins to ring, the sound piercing his ears. He stubs his almost finished cigarette in the ashtray and notices that he went through one and a half packet. He ruffles his hair, cringing at the smell of smoke still lingering on his fingers, and picks up his phone. It's his manager and he's going to come over in half an hour to pick him up.

«fuck» he curses as he walks to his bathroom to wash away the smell of his frustration.

It's 11 am when he walks out the door, apparently, he's been laying in bed, smoking away, for five hours, and the results where lungs as dark as petrol and an empty notebook. Fan- _fucking_ -tastic, Jiyong.

 

 

* * *

 

 

«your hands are trembling» his voice breaks the silence that settled in the studio. Seunghyun and Youngbae are gone, both done with the recording, and Daesung went to fetch Kush and Teddy, under Jiyong's request.

«I know» he says, looking briefly at his fingers, jotting in all direction, out of his control. He tries to stop them by holding both hands in a tight fist, but when he relaxes them, his hands are still trembling.

«why?» He has to keep himself from snorting. There are too many reasons for his hands to tremble, and if his legs weren't crossed over his seat, he knows they'd tremble as well. It's been happening way too often to not know how his knees bounce up and down at an impossible speed, his heels don't even touch the floor when it happens.

«too much coffee» it's easier to say just that, because after all, caffeine is worldly known for his aggressive attacks to your nervous system, Seungri knows as well, he's been through it before, everybody in the industry has. You don't have the right to sleep but you do have the right to drink Redbull and cold coffee from 7-Eleven.

«you shouldn't drink too much coffee, you won't be able to sleep» now he _does_ snort, how couldn't he? Everybody in this universe know that to Jiyong that's bullshit, just like the crap about how drinking milk makes you taller, or that spinach makes you stronger. Not that caffeine doesn't keep you awake, because it does, but saying that to Kwon Jiyong is just fucking hilarious.

«I drink coffee  _because_  I can't sleep» and Seungri should know, because they lived together for eight years, maybe more, and he, out of everyone, should know that he loves sleeping and that if he drinks coffee is just to help him get through his periods of insomnia. Yes, _periods_. This isn't the first time he went on without sleeping, it's just the longest.

«well, you do smoke a lot» to that he rolls his eyes. If he's going to rant again about how he should quit, he'll receive the flip of his third finger, all the while he lights up a cigarette and puffs the smoke right in his face.

«I'm stressed» he decide to curtly reply, instead of acting like a complete moron. His pocket where he keeps his lighter, though, itches. That's the bitchy part of himself that he's so trying to keep at bay. He swears that he's thinking like an ass _just_ because he's sleep deprived.

«because you overwork yourself and you end up not sleeping» _with nothing_ , he'd like to correct, thinking bitterly at his notebook, still untouched, laying on his annoyingly uncomfortable king-sized bed.

«I overwork because I can't sleep and at three in the morning there's nothing to do besides writing» thing that he isn't doing, because his mind is empty of words, frustratingly empty, and he _wished_ that what helps him to stay awake were words instead of desolation.

«you coul–»

«Seungri» he can't take it any longer, and the edge on his voice cuts Seungri's words before they're completely out.

Seungri shuts up because there's not much more to say, and Jiyong's look is one he knows all too well. So he sighs and stands up, and after giving Jiyong a look – _that look_ – he walks out the door.

«that's right» Jiyong mutters to himself, before turning to his desk and resuming his work.

 

 

* * *

 

 

«you're still here» Kush says as he enters the studio. He hums in return before letting go of a sigh that he's been holding for almost two hours.

«everybody's gone, you know?» he continues. Jiyong smiles tiredly, catching the hint behind his words but Kush still hands him a cup of coffee and a bowl of instant noodles.

«are you going, too?» he asks as he notices the black Adidas bag in his hold. He kind of wish he doesn't, Kush and Teddy are always great at helping him with songs but this time they didn't.

«yeah, I am... 'been here for almost two days working on the kids' new album, you know?» he just then notices the dark circles under Kush's eyes and remembers that in the crazy world of YG's producers, he's not the only one that works like a maniac. Hyun Suk seems to have a pattern in his choices.

«Choice is here?» he asks hopefully, even though Choice is more helpful when it comes to beats than lyrics, he's still a Hyung that never let him down, not once.

«I said everyone's gone» and Jiyong bites his lip in frustration. He holds up the instant noodles and bows his head, smiling sheepishly at Kush, that approach him just to ruffle his hair.

«thank you, hyung» he says out loud, before sipping from the cup of coffee in his hand.

«Aish, kid! Just... don't push the words out, okay? Take it as when you're constipated, it hurts to push it out» Jiyong spits a bit of the coffee at the brilliant advice he just received and chuckles lightly as Kush shakes his head.

«that was bad! I clearly need my bed» he sighs, before holding up a hand and waving at Jiyong.

Jiyong keeps on chuckling as he resumes his "work". 

 

 

* * *

 

 

After an hour of listening in repeat the same instrumental without a single word coming out, he stands up, taking with him the instant noodles. He walks over the cafeteria and while he takes the lid off the plastic container, his phone starts ringing. He picks it up without glancing at the caller, his tongue poking out as he tries to turn on the faucets with one hand and hold the container in the other, all of it while balancing the phone in between his shoulder and his right ear.

«yes?» he answers. It's one in the morning and whoever called him at such an hour is someone who doesn't deserve politeness. The fact that he's still at work and that he can't actually sleep are beside the point.

«...it's me» the voice on the other side makes him freeze, which is ironic since he's filling a cup with boiling water.

«wh...» he doesn't know what he really wants to ask. What do you want? Why did you call? Why do you still have my number? He doesn't ask anything and let the silence speak for itself. Sometimes silence is better at words than him, especially lately. Everyone would be better than him.

«I'll cut it short since I know you're always _busy_ » he notices the bitterness in her tone, and seriously, she could have kept it for herself, even if he has to admit, they didn't break up in the best of terms.

«I have to come to Seoul and would like you to pick me up at the airport» he raises his eyebrows impossibly high, utterly astonished by her demand. His eye twitches as he tries his best to not shower her of insults, because after all, he's still a gentleman, even with– he inhales deeply, cutting his own thoughts from calling her with displeasing appellatives, even if he really wants to.

«and why, _Kiko_ , do you think I would do it?» if venom is leaking out of his mouth when he says her name, it's completely accidental. He is a gentleman, after all. 

«because, _Jiyong_ , I need to see you, and honestly, it's the best, and fastest, way to do so. It'll take thirty minutes, hopefully, and then I won't see you again, again, hopefully» she's a bi– no, Kwon Jiyong is a gentleman and he won't say that word, even if his eye is still twitching and he'll probably pop a vein or two. And _yes_ , the venom when she spat his name didn't go unnoticed.

« _fine_ –he sighs in defeat, not really used to win against Kiko– tell me when and which Airport... Via text, please, I don't want to hear your voice unless it's strictly necessary» he says right before he cuts the call and turns off his phone.

He glances at his now cold noodles and sighs.

_ That fucking bitch. _

And there goes his gentlemanly resolution.

 

 

* * *

 

 

His mind is a ruckus and the emptiness inside his head is the loudest noise. He watches from his car the entrance to Incheon's Airport and lets out a shaky breath.

It's been months, now, that his mind doesn't belong to himself, _thankfully_. He's doing his very best to not think, even if it's painful, because it'd be more painful to let thoughts in. He knows what would be there: pain, regret, guilt and thoughts about how he fucked up something perfect, something he was supposed to treasure, instead of loosing his mind behind long legs and exotic smiles. Roses are beautiful but are full of thorns, this particular rose, seem to have a few petals, in contrast to its thorns, each of those petals is covered with venom, red and black, giving him a sultry look, but still lethal.

Maybe it's his tired mind that is letting his thoughts out, maybe it was her call that freed his mind to wander about mistakes and regrets, maybe it was the door of the cafeteria being closed behind him while everyone was supposed to be gone, maybe it was the mop of blond hair that prickled the corner of his eyes. Thing was that his mind was a pure chaotic mess ever since that night, which didn't help his insomnia, because now, beside sleeping, his mind ached twenty-four/seven, and his heart squeezed the air out of his black lungs, ever so painfully.

He sees Kiko getting out of the airport and flashes the lights of his car towards her, just like he told her via text message. Her head snaps at his direction and she begins to stride towards him, her short hair bouncing at each of her swinging steps. She walks to the back of the rented car and opens the trunk, placing down her small suitcase, right after she opens the passenger door and sits down. Without any words he starts the engine while she clasps her seatbelt. He doesn't need to ask her the address since she already texted it, so he begins driving on the highway, speeding a bit.

It has been ten minutes that she hasn't said a word and his patience is running thin so he clears his voice to catch her attention.

«so?» he asks without diverting his eyes from the road. He sees how she quirks her eyebrow at that and crosses her arms above her chest, clearly pissed.

«you made me come all the way to fetch you at the airport, was it for nothing or you actually have a reason to bother me?» Seriously though, he had other things to do, like fixing his eyes at a blank monitor and wait for lyrics to strike him.

«nice Jiyong, _nice_ » she even dares to be sassy, as if he was rude, but Jiyong is a gentleman, rudeness isn't in his system. The outburst from two days before was given by the weakness of his mind and his tired state. Yesterday, he passed out, and that counts as "resting", right?

«yes, I actually have a reason to, otherwise I'd call a taxi. I want to be here as much as you» if her tone could physically hurt, he would have just been gushed. _Venom_ , she's like venom.

«wow, and here I thought I was the one having the only reason to despite you» because he has, and really, how dare she? After all she did to–

«well, you would have if you didn't call me a "fucking opened legged cheating whore" the last time you saw me» well, yes, he did call her that. That was a low point in his "gentleman" career, but he was out of his mind and even if the "opened legged" and the "whore" part were a bit too much, the "fucking" wasn't considered an insult but a intensifier, while the "cheating" was just the truth. Still, he was trying to be a better gentleman so he felt a pang of guilt.

«I'm sorry for th–»

«save it. I don't believe it and you neither» _Right_ , he forgot she actually knew him, but deep _deep_ down he felt sorry for what he said, he really was out of his mind.

He stayed in silence, finding nothing to say as his mind, once more, turned blank. Apparently it was his method to deal with uneasiness, regret, guilt, pain... You name it.

«I found someone» he admittedly jumped a little when she broke the silence once more. The atmosphere had somehow relaxed a bit and his car didn't feel as intoxicating as before.

«Is the same guy you cheated me with?» he hated the guy. Not because he was the one Kiko cheated him with, but because he was an actual douche, like one of those you just heard about, like the spouse of that Kardashian girl, the noble guy. A huge douche.

«no, it's another one. His name is Shouhei» she says lightly. Jiyong catches the fondness in her voice as she says his name, and somehow, it makes him feel at ease, especially the way she's talking now, like before everything went down the drain.

«good, the other guy was a dickhead» his lips quirk in a small smile, because, strangely, it really makes him feel better knowing she found someone and that someone isn't a douche. 

«funny, he said the same thing about you, after you left» they both chuckle and the heavy atmosphere is completely forgotten. It feels like when they were friends and Kiko hung out with Bigbang, when malice didn't surface and decisions where far to be made.

«are you happy?» he asks after they both calmed down, he still has his smile lingering on his features, and he really hopes she answers "yes". Funny how just twenty minutes before he considered her poisonous and cringed at the though of seeing her again.

«yes, but that's not the reason why I'm here» She smiles at the "yes" but her tone continues in seriousness and he frowns at the sudden change.

«right» he says tentatively, still frowning. He stops the car at the red traffic light. It's the one that takes them out of the highway, one of the longest traffic lights he had the displeasure to stop by. His manager always picks him up two hours and ten minutes before his flights, just in case they have to deal with the longest red light on mother earth.

«I found this while I was moving out» she reaches for the backseat, the one she placed her bag, and brings her bag to her lap, before shuffling the things inside, searching for what she found.

«moving out?» he asks honestly curious. She always rejected the idea, even if Jiyong was rarely in Japan. She said she didn't like living with someone else, apparently things change.

«yes, we're trying out the all "living together" thing. Anyway, _this_ » she says, taking his hand and placing inside his palm a metal thing «was inside one of the drawers of my desk and I think it's yours» it is, Jiyong knows even without the need to look at it, so he doesn't. He memorized the piece of jewelry each night spent in Japan, near Kiko and away from his heart «apparently, I wasn't the only one hiding things» she adds after scrutinizing him. Her tone is slightly mocking but she doesn't sound pissed. Jiyong is too sheepish to look at her.

«Kiko, I–»

«there's no need, really. I understand» She cuts him off before he could think about an excuse, or start apologizing like he wants to.

The silence sets back inside the car and the traffic light is still set on red, which is increasingly running his patience down. It's not like he wants to escape from the situation, not anymore. This talk, even if dictated by long minutes of silence and short conversations, feels like a weight that is being lifted inside him. Kiko's remarks, her replies to his initial bitterness, are making him realize that time added fuel to his anger. Thoughts have become backstabbing friends for Jiyong.

«We made a lot of bad choices» she brakes the silence again. Apparently, she really moved on or she wouldn't be able to break those moments this easily. Jiyong envies her for this.

«I loved you» he mutters. He's not one to let go easily. It's proven by this reply, by his dozen of songs dedicated to a girl that broke up with him years prior, it's proven by the necklace he's still holding in his hand, the one he looked every night and that decided to forget when he left Kiko. He didn't let go even after the necklace wasn't there, he knew he wouldn't, but Jiyong was also a wishful thinker.

«You chose to convince yourself you loved me and I did, too» he sighs because after all the things they have said, after their break-up, after she found the necklace, he just couldn't deny anything.

«I wanted fame and you...» she doesn't continue, because honestly, how could she know what he wanted? Or why he chose her? 

«I was scared and you seemed the right choice» Everything he did seemed the right choice. The one his brain nagged him to make, the one his heart feared to follow. Jiyong chose the brain, because logic is logic and Jiyong trusted his brain. He wrote music with his brain, composed songs with that organ. Jiyong now realizes that it was never his brain to give him life and inspiration. Now his heart aches and he doesn't sleep, he doesn't write, he just painfully waits for his heart to come back to life after he stabbed it and stomped on it, just to make sure.

The light has turned green and the engine comes back to life. He follows the many cars that run through Seoul, and follows roads he's too familiar with, especially the ones that lead to the airport.

«I never said "I love you"» he doesn't know why he says it, but it's out and for the first time ever since the drive began, he started a conversation. Maybe the necklace that it's still in his fist, is making him think about things he swore he would evade.

«you did, I heard you say it» and she did, before they got together, before everything turned fucked up, but that's not it. Thousand people heard him say it. He shakes his head, keeping his gaze fixed on the road.

«that was in public... I never said it directly. I never even heard it» that's true as well. They didn't say "I love you" one another, they kissed, hugged and made lo–... they fucked, or had sex, but they never said "I love you" it was merely ever said "I like you".

«I thought...» she looks surprised and even a bit sad. There's a hint of pity in her voice as well.

«me too» he waited and waited to hear it, just once, but it never came. Their relationship wasn't cold or anything, that's why Jiyong thought that one day, maybe, he would hear it, but he didn't.

«I guess that's what made it easier to...» to do everything. To think it was the right choice, to keep his head up when he saw the other, to pretend at last.

«come to me» she concludes for him. She probably heard the knot in his throat.

«and stay» he adds, because that is it as well. He never backed off his choice, he followed right through it and maybe it was why it stung in many ways. He had felt betrayed. She was the only one that made him believe he did the right choice, but she ruined it, and now here he was, a pathetic whimpering man with a pathetic whimpering heart and a body as restless as his sleep-deprived mind.

«do you regret it?» she asks suddenly. Jiyong sees the street of her hotel and turns right.

«yes, not because of how it ended between us, but because it will never get back to how it was before» it's the only reason he could regret it. The choice he made, Kiko over his heart, ruined his relationship with the other to a point of no return, ruined his heart by constantly shutting it up, ruined his present by taking away everything.

«maybe it's for the best» she says, breaking his revere.

«uh?» he dumbly asks as he parks in front of her hotel.

«you never said "I love you"» she turns to look at him in the eyes while taking off her seatbelt.

«yeah» 

«you never heard it back» it hurts just hearing it from someone else.

«yeah» he cringes while he says it.

«now you regret it» it's more of a statement than anything, but he nods anyway.

«yes»

«then, maybe, it wasn't meant to be like that from the beginning» she says picking up her bag and patting Jiyong's hand, the one holding the necklace.

«people make mistakes so they learn how not to repeat them, Jiyong» and with that she's gone.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

It's an intense battle of who blinks first. Jiyong is pretty sure he's going to lose, none the less, he keeps his gaze fixed in front of him with watery eyes, stubbornly keeping his glare battle. The room is suffocating and dark and hot, and he feels sweat running down the sides of his neck, but he keeps his arms crossed and pushes aside the thought that his insomnia is driving him ridiculously insane.

«hem... Sir?» a voice breaks through his resolution and he blinks. 

_Damn it_! He lost.

He turns towards the voice and is greeted by the same middle aged man that opened the door for him.

«We are about to close the deposit, Sir» he cringes every time he hears "Sir". He's not old, not enough to be called "Sir" by a man who's obviously older then him, actually, he probably looks younger than his current twenty-eight years. 

«Oh... I...» he's pretty hesitant. He turns back to look at his old bed, well, just the frame and the structure as the mattress, covered by plastic wrap, is standing against the wall. His old comforters, duvets and sheets are all inside the three IKEA bags beside the bed.

«If you need help with the transportation, we rent moving trucks and driver for only 50,000 won, Sir» he turns again to look at the man and after giving much thought, he nods while releasing a sigh. If this doesn't work against his insomnia, well, he doesn't know what he could do, perhaps start taking pills.

«I...hum... could you do it now?» he asks hesitantly, the sooner the better but he does realize that people have their own things and times.

«I can give you a hand with moving the things in the truck» he adds, hoping it would make it easier and faster.

«if you help... well, yeah, we can do it today, Sir» the man says shrugging, he then turns towards the bed and points at it.

«do you need to take this one, Sir?» 

«yeah, the mattress as well as the sheets...ehm, could you also take with you the bed I have at home?» he asks to which the man nods without too much care and takes his phone from his jeans pockets.

«Jinwoo? Yeah, it's me, come to the deposit 39 and bring the small truck... no, it's a bed» the man turns back towards Jiyong «how big is the bed we have to take with us?» he asks, probably to know which truck to drive.

«King size»

«ok, so, Jinwoo? You there?... Ah, yeah, bring the red one... no, the one with the orange thingy... yes, ok» he ends the call and eyes skeptically Jiyong.

«Kiddo, if you think you can help us dressed like that, you need to change your mind» Jiyong smiles as the man has finally stopped calling him Sir, and takes off his Armani Jeans jacket, revealing the black t-shirt underneath, he doesn't bother about the rest, the shoes, even if paired with an AJ jacket, are from a Chinese shop in Itaewon and cost 10,000 won, while shirt and Jeans are so old and ruined that nobody will notice if those got ruined a bit more.

«ok, shall we begin?» the man says when they hear a honk coming from outside. Jiyong nods and together they start lifting the bed.

 

 

* * *

 

 

As soon as he's left alone, he stares intensely at Tom and Laura. It feels strange, after all this time, to be sleeping in that bed, way smaller than his King-sized one. Kiko found it creepy, to sleep under the picture of two strangers and rest your head _over_ two strangers, so she begged him to change the bed and everything. Now, he's back to the one bed that always felt so good to sleep in, the one he had been sleeping throughout his –almost– entire career, the one where he wrote songs until four in the morning, the one he used to wake up with– No, he can't go there. There is a place, a memory he swore to forget, even if ever since he met Kiko it's getting harder and harder to do.

He shakes his head and strips of his clothes, he turns off all the lights and uses his phone to reach the bed. When he's settled inside, he can't help but let out a long relaxed sigh. _This_ is how a bed should feel like.

He snatches the second pillow and turns to his side, his left arm is bent under his head and his pillow, his right arm and right leg are hugging the second pillow, "Koala" style, as Dami likes to call it.

He looks at Laura and he has to do his best to not remember the times when that place was occupied, a silent agreement in which he was Tom, for obvious reasons, and the other had to sleep at Laura's side. He smiles, forgetting to forget, and his heart hurts once more, but he's getting used to his guilt and his regret, he knows he probably has to live with it until... he doesn't even know. His mind is getting confused, the comforter feels heavy but the warmth is enough to make his vision blurry, so he closes his eyes.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_«so? Did you bring me here just to take a walk?» the boy asks after a while._

_Jiyong has been silent ever since they met at the station. He's thinking, hard. This is important, almost a test. He needs to see, he needs to hear those words._

_«I, uh, let's... let's stop here» Jiyong says as he points down at a bench facing the river. It's night and the ones walking by are just them and a few people walking down their dogs, sometimes, someone passes by with their bike, but mostly it's just them. They sit and their bodies don't touch, not in the slightest, and the fact frightens Jiyong even more._

_«Ji? You're acting strange» the other notices. He doesn't call him Hyung when they are alone, he doesn't act cute or pouty when it's the two of them, he's him, the guy that doesn't know how to grill meat and thinks of himself a bit lowly and highly at the same time. Jiyong probably couldn't love him more._

_«if... I mean... I... Ri-ah?» he really doesn't know how to start, and the younger is simply looking ahead at the river, which doesn't help. He needs to look into his eyes, he has to see if there is anything there beyond mare affection. The other just hums and lazily turns to look at him, a relaxed smile on his face._

_«Do you... I mean... Do we... ehm» Nice and slow, Jiyong, just. Breath._

_«What a-are we?» urgh, that sounds horrible, and pretty much insecure. Great start Jiyong._

_«Tom and Jerry» Seungri replies almost instantly, chuckling in between._

_«No... Yes, but no... I mean... what we do... what... is there?» It's confusing even to Jiyong, he really isn't great with words if not on lyrics, and his natural shyness doesn't help either._

_Seungri keeps quiet, looking ahead, and Jiyong thinks that perhaps his question was a bit confusing and badly phrased, but he's too shy to repeat it again, which is crazy since he's twenty five and an adult. An adult that meets famous people on a dally basis. Yet, he stutters when it comes to this._

_«we're... us» Seungri says after a while. Somehow it doesn't settle right in him. It feels like he asked what are oranges and he got as answer "oranges", and that's not exactly what he was aiming at._

_«No... I mean... Do you... do you feel something for me?» he finally asks, trapping the younger's eyes with his own stare. He decides that if words won't tell, he'll look for his answer in there. There has to be, right?_

_Time is passing, but Jiyong can see really little inside those eyes, just hesitation and a slight confusion._

_«Why are you asking me this?» the younger asks, diverting his eyes from him, and Jiyong brakes a little –maybe more than a little– because in those three minutes of looking, he has found nothing._

_«I...» this is it, Jiyong. You got your answer. «I think we should end it» it's funny how he stuttered when he held his heart in his hands softly, but he's voice doesn't waver when he holds it until it bleeds._

_«wh–»_

_«Kiko... I want to make her my girlfriend» he interrupts. He'd like to laugh at how his voice is just too cold and foreign to his ears._

_He looks down on his hands, waiting for his words to sink in, so he's surprised when something metallic gets hardly slammed on the concrete. His head shots up and only now he notices Seungri's figure as it disappear in the distance. He crouches down and picks up the necklace, just then, rain starts to fall down on him. It's spring and the rain shouldn't feel this cold, but it does, and Jiyong has to blink away his tears as he watches the retreating shadow of the younger disappear into the night._

 

 

* * *

 

 

Jiyong jolts up, his breath short and tears along his cheeks. He cradles his head between his hands, the pain in his chest propagates and he can't breath. It's all _there_ , those memories he pushed back, up until today.

«Why?» he weakly asks to the silence of the room. The question floats in his surroundings, falling deaf right after, and Jiyong cringes at the solitude that envelops him. 

His mind aches, and it feels like a train is running him over, all those moments he decided he would block out, like the way Seungri's back got smaller as he watched him getting away, unable to move, unable to say anything, unable to stop him. He wanted, though, he wanted to run at him, take his arm and hold him, delete his words, slap himself for the stupid decision he made. 

There wasn't a day Jiyong didn't regret, even if it pained him to know his feelings weren't mutual, even if he would hold only half of Seungri, it would have been enough, maybe... probably... Thing is, Jiyong doesn't know. He has no idea if he would have survived, if his heart could have stood the knowledge of being halfheartedly nourished. If he could have lived with that much of... _care._

He could have sat and ponder about it all, he could have considered a little more his decision to end it, but Seungri's figure stood in the rain like a retreating shadow, and his fogged mind could barely make sense of everything that was happening.

Regret and guilt were his daily meal, but ever since he had that conversation with Kiko, doubt was becoming part of it as well. Maybe she was right, maybe their relationship wasn't meant to be, maybe, Jiyong was destined for something else. But right now, with his head cradled between his hands, with his head pounding in pain and his eyes and skin burning from the saltiness of his tears, with his shuddering back and the painful tugs at his heart, it was all too much. Blocking al those feelings for all that time, only served to give him a more painful break-down.

«Make it stop» he whispers into nothingness. The pain is still there and he tries to will it away, but like a broken damp, everything is flowing out and there's no way to stop it. 

His mind drowning in thoughts, in pleads, whispers and shouts and  Jiyong knows only one way to stop this agony, so he takes his block-note, and writes.

 

 

* * *

 

 

«you look horrible, Ji, have you slept?» Youngbae asks as soon as Jiyong walks in the studio. His head is pounding and he didn't sleep all night, scribbling down his thoughts. Once he was done, it was time to go to the studio.

«sadly, yes» He replies with a small smile tugging his lips. He doesn't want to talk, at all. His eyes are still burning from all the times he had to rub them in order to see clearly what he was writing, his nose is stuffy and his throat hurts. All in all, he's a wreck.

«nightmare?» Youngbae is clearly concerned over him, and Jiyong feels guilty for that, and also a bit grateful, but he still can't help the guiltiness to seep in. He shouldn't worry, not for him. He called it all upon himself, that's for sure.

«just a painful remainder» He prefers to call it. The idea of that night, even if it ended up breaking him in half –and possibly more– was about him and Seungri, and above all the things that happened that night, the lazy smile Seungri wore while looking at the river, still makes his heart thump faster.

«was it about...»

«yes» 

 

 

* * *

 

 

_ «your hands are trembling» Seungri says all of a sudden, making him jump in his seat. _

_ «I know» Jiyong sighs, looking down at his hands. His fingers are tapping slightly over the notebook and he's not the one in control of the action, at all. Luckily he's laying on his bed, otherwise his knees would be jumping as well. _

_ «why?» Seungri ask, crawling on the bed and settling beside him. He shuffles over to let him have more space and closes his notebook. _

_ «too much coffee» he says as he watches Seungri take his hands and massage them softly, rubbing circles on his palms. He sighs as he leans his head on the younger's shoulder, enjoying the sweet ministrations and trying his best to not purr like a cat. _

_ «you shouldn't drink too much coffee, you won't be able to sleep» he's worried and Jiyong smiles softly at that. Even after all this years of watching him go on with sleepless nights, Seungri still worries and it's heart warming. _

_ «I drink coffee because I can't sleep» the comeback is approaching, his scandal has taken every bit of his strength and the little time he has left to finish the various tracks he's been working for a year, is getting shorter.  _

_ «well, you do smoke a lot» True, the younger likes to nag a lot about it. He smells, he says, and he can't do anything but agree. _

_ «I'm stressed» he says softly, closing his eyes. Seungri appears to have great calming effects on him, it's sad they don't have time for themselves these days. _

_ «because you overwork yourself and you end up not sleeping» there he goes again, nagging. Jiyong chuckles, Seungri has always a comeback ready. Jiyong wanders if the younger prepares them beforehand. He might, Seungri is Seungri after all. _

_ «I overwork because I can't sleep and at three in the morning there's nothing to do besides writing» and you'd whine for hours if I woke you up, he'd like to add. Besides, he finds it easier to work at night, when Seungri is asleep and he doesn't have to hide his stare. Seungri is particularly pretty when he sleeps, and funny, when he keeps his mouth hanging open. _

_ «you coul–» _

_ «Seungri» He cuts his words with a tired whisper as he opens his eyes and props his chin on the younger's shoulder. _

_ Seungri turns to look at him and there's no need for words for Seungri to lean and finally kiss him, a small grin playing on both's lips. It amazes Jiyong every time, how Seungri can take his breath away, but give in return contentment and happiness. They kiss languidly, innocently. It's just soft pecks, small bites and the tip of Jiyong's tongue on Seungri's lower lip, and it's perfect in every way. _

_ «that's right» Jiyong says after catching his breath and before attacking the younger's lips once more. _

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

«what is this?» Daesung asks when Jiyong handles him a sheet of paper. It's a bit wrinkled at the sides, due to the fact that Jiyong has been passing the past hours holding it in his hands, unsure about it all. 

«the last song for D's album» He decided, though, to go with it. This is probably their last album together before everyone starts to enlist, it means that each of them are giving a piece of themselves for this album. If this means Jiyong has to give his entire heart, it's a price he's willing to pay, especially if it means a step closer to acceptance. He only wishes his band members won't read too much into it, like Youngbae did.

«how is it called?» Seunghyun asks, peeking from above Daesung's shoulder. He didn't notice his arrival, but then again, Seunghyun is a self-proclaimed ghost and lately he's been working on his stealthiness. 

«if you» his voice doesn't waver, which is surprising to him. He didn't even chose a title before he was asked but now that he said it, it sounds right.

«Jiyong» Seunghyun is always good at reading through lines, an ability gained throughout the years of writing along Jiyong, besides, this one is pretty explicit, even if he never talked about that night to anyone. Jiyong appreciates the fact that in the way Seunghyun called his name, he found care and worry, but he doesn't have it in him to spend any second talking about that song, he doesn't even know how he will be able to perform it, even if he knows he'll have to.

«let's start recording» is all he decides to say, silently asking his brothers to not go there. 

They nod and after he received instructions by Jiyong, Seunghyun enters first, Daesung silently sitting on the couch. Jiyong decides to ignore the frown that is making its way on Daesung's features, or the way Seunghyun is looking at him with a concerned gaze through the glass. He nods at Byung-ho, the studio assistant, and presses record.

 

 

* * *

 

 

He can feel Youngbae eyeing skeptically from inside the booth, but he decides to pretend he hasn't noticed so he just presses the intercom, letting a couple of seconds of silence pass.

«again... I want your voice more stern, even if... even if you're in pain» he instructs, before closing his eyes.

It's painful how the lyrics perfectly fit with the melody, how each voice is exactly how he pictured it. Hearing his break, his thoughts, spoken and sang by someone else is even more painful. Jiyong doubts he'll ever be able to listen to it and be fine. Only Seungri's and his voice are missing. Seungri's because he was busy –that's what Youngbae told him– and Jiyong was thankful for that. As it is now, he doesn't even want to be in the same room with Seungri. Jiyong won't deny it, he's plainly avoiding him.

Ever since he was a young kid, it wasn't much like he put his thoughts into his song, he wasn't like Youngbae, writing pages about his heartbreak and turning it into success, he simply wrote down without thinking and when he read his words, there was his inner self. Not every song of his was like this, sometimes he pushed, sometimes he played a persona, sometimes he told someone else's story, but songs like this one, these songs held his heart, letting strangers hear what it was like being inside his head.

He doesn't know what Seungri will think about this song. It's obvious that it's personal, it's obvious that it's real, but most likely he'll think it's for Kiko and a part of him wishes Seungri won't think of himself while reading the lyrics. A realistic part of him believes that Kiko will be his guess, and he doesn't want to be there when it'll happen, even if he has to.

He listens to the entire recording Youngbae just did, and it's good, perfect, even.

«could you harmonize a bit on the last part?» Youngbae gives him a nod and he settles back, eyeing the clock on his iPhone's display.

 

 

* * *

 

 

He tries hard not to fidget, nor give too much away with his eyes, when Seungri comes in the recording studio an hour later. His voice wavers, though, when he gives him the paper. It wasn't this hard before his dreams. These nights, Jiyong wishes he could go back to when he wasn't able to sleep at all.

Seungri gives him a nod when he finishes reading, he doesn't utter a word, which is strange, and it doesn't settle in him the right way. He hoped for some questions, for a look that could give away anything, but Seungri is a stone wall and Jiyong is too weak to try to break through it.

He plays the demo he recorded before hand a couple of times, he doesn't dare to look at Seungri when the sound comes through his headphones. When Seungri is ready, they start the recording.

Top's voice can be heard, his voice is soft and low, and Jiyong shuts his eyes once it's Seungri's turn. He hugs his torso and waits, but Seungri's voice doesn't come out when it's his cue. He blinks a couple of times before facing up towards the glass and Seungri looks frozen, mouth agape but no words coming out. He's confused so he stops the track immediately and presses his index against the intercom. He wants to ask what happened but words don't come out from his mouth as well.

After two awkward minutes of silence, Byung-ho clears his throat, and both Jiyong and Seungri –Jiyong hasn't taken his finger off the button– break out of their daze.

«I'll try it again» Seungri says and Jiyong realizes it's the first time he hears Seungri talk since he came in. The assistant nods a presses play.

This time Seungri reaches the first two words before stopping and Jiyong has to bite the inside of his mouth to not ask questions. He can't help but wander what is making Seungri act this way. From the beginning of their "end" Jiyong thought Seungri didn't love him, and beside throwing on the ground the necklace and walking away, he acted as if nothing ever happened at all, as if the intimacy they shared up until the day before, never happened. That only helped to add a sad security to Jiyong that he made the right choice, that his love was actually one-sided. 

He wanders, sometimes, why did he never confess, why he never said "I love you" first, if he did, he would have known for sure, but Jiyong remembers how he was back then, how he was deeply untrusting towards love, how his heart broke for the first time after he got played, and the second one and the third one... even Kiko played him, though he did too, and now that Jiyong knows how his ignorance towards the younger's feelings is causing him pain, he wishes he asked, because now it's probably too late.

Seungri brakes him out of his thoughts, asking a third chance, so Jiyong nods towards Byung-ho, and the song starts once more. 

Jiyong focuses his eyes on Seungri and notices how the younger his clenching his eyes shut and is breathing heavily. When it's his time, Seungri flees the room.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Jiyong believes he never ran as fast as he's running now, he also believes it's a miracle he hasn't tripped on his legs, yet –which it's a stand-alone chapter in his life– he believes that his body has a mind of its own, too, since he doesn't even remember standing up from his seat, after Seungri ran away. Thing is that now, he's running after a shadow –why has Seungri to be this fast?– and said shadow, seems like it doesn't want to stop running.

Once he reaches the parking lot, it's too late. He can see Seungri's car getting out of the building.

He'd like to take a minute to realize what just happened, but his body really seems to have a mind of its own, and before he knows, he has already pull out his Lamborghini's keys and he's already entering the car.

If a cop found him, he would be screwed, because he's driving without his documents and he's speeding a bit, but truth is, he doesn't care, he just wants to talk to Seungri, find out why he fled –even though he believes Seungri thinks the song is dedicated to Kiko– and assure him until he's ok and they can go back to the studio. Because Jiyong has enough of this fucking song, because it's been a month that it's driving him insane, that it's taking away his sleep, that seems immune to his words and that now, once finished, he'll have to sing over and over again, even if his stomach churns and his heart stutters.

Seungri's building is like he remembered, and he arrives just in time to see Seungri entering the parking lot. He doesn't have the same luxury of parking inside, so he just parks in an empty spot and runs to the guards outside the building. The guy seems to recognize him, so he smiles at him and enters, the elevator is taken –probably by Seungri himself– so he has to run the staircase. _Fuck_.

He eyes the elevator, hoping for some divine intervention that'd make it stop, or come back down, but the numbers light one after the other and Jiyong has to heave down a sigh when it reaches the third floor, and runs towards the staircase.

He has to thank Hwangssabu for his endless nagging, as well as his well built breathing, when he reaches the fourth floor, but at half of the sixth he's out of breath and ponders why is he even doing this. He followed his instinct but he's pretty much sure that he looks desperate at the moment, which he is, but a question keeps on popping in his mind as he takes one step after the other, reaching the seventh floor: is it worth it?

He knows that it may sound plainly stupid as a question. He has been suffering over the past years for his decision, he has been restless ever since he found himself without _even_ Kiko, but once he'll reach the twelfth floor, what will he do? Will he explain the song? Will he explain that it was dedicated to Seungri and not Kiko? Will he have to explain his choice? Will he finally confess? Will he ask a second chance? _Does he want to?_

That's the right question, Jiyong decides, while reaching the eight floor, does he, Kwon Jiyong, want to go back to how things were before? To a relationship –if that's how you'd like to call it– and spend the rest of his days (ok, he doesn't know if it'll last _that_ long, but Jiyong is a wishful thinker, remember?) with someone that doesn't love him just because _he_ does? He wishes he could say no, he wishes his answer would be less desperate and needy, but he also realizes that he was happy, back then, until doubts started creeping inside his mind, before he got greedy, he was happy, and that's all Jiyong asks back, so he takes the last flight of stairs.

 

 

* * *

 

 

«what the–» Jiyong doesn't know how he managed to do it, but as soon as he arrived at the twefth floor, he found Seungri getting out of the elevator. he doesn't even know the reasons behind his actions, when he tackles Seungri american-football style, and makes the both of them fall to the floor.

«Seu–ng» he desperatly tries to say something, but the stairs he just took, got the breath out of his lungs «ri» he finishes, luckly, and Seungri's confused face turns to look at him instead of the ground «I» gosh, how he wished he smoked less! His breath is still heavy and he feels like he's tasting blood «wh– hold on a sec» maybe if he waits a bit, he'll be able to talk.

«sure» he feels Seungri clearing his throat, so he gazes up and finds Seungri looking at him weirdly.

«What?» he asks confused, feeling his breath starting to become more regular.

«can you get off of me?» Right. He's still splayed over Seungri. He blushes of a deep red and backs away, moving so he's sitting on the floor. He closes his eyes and places a hand over his heart, feeling as it starts calming down, along with his breath. When he opens his eyes again, Seungri is mirroring his position, sitting on the floor in front of him, both of them resting their backs against the wall. 

«Why did you tackle me?»

«Why did you ran away?» They ask at the same time and drop their head low, letting some chuckles out of their system. This situation is ridiculous.

«You first» Seungri says, breaking the silence that settles right after. Jiyong heaves a deep breath.

«I... I needed to... explain, I guess» Jiyong isn't really sure as well, instincts were what drove him there and pushed him through.

«Th–the song... isn't about Kiko» he feels stupid while he says it. He feels like he's giving himself too much importance in Seungri's escape. It could have been for many other reasons.

«Oh...» Jiyong arches a brow, looking intensly at the younger «I... I know» Ok, _what_? Then why the fuck did he run away? Does he think it's about someone else? Did he feel unwell? Jiyong expression seems to give away his confusion as Seungri clears his throat and starts fidgeting in his place.

«It's about... us, isn't it?»  and Jiyong doesn't really know what to say, because it is, but he still doesn't understand Seungri's... _oh_. _Oh_ , now he gets it. Seungri was uncomfortable. _Right_. Jiyong is being rejected, isn't he? _Ouch_ , this hurts, _a lot_.

Jiyong casts his eyes down and gently brushes his palms on his jeans, he heaves a sigh and stands up. He feels like a robot while he pushes the button to call the elevator –like hell he's going to take the stairs again– and he tries his best to not break down in front of the younger. Luckly, the elevator is still on the same floor, so it opens right away, allowing Jiyong to retreat sooner. He keeps his eyes on the floor as he looks at the doors shutting close in front of him.

He feels so stupid right now.

 

 

* * *

 

 

«WAIT!»  Jiyong's head shots up at the same moment a hand slips between the sliding doors of the elevator and pries them open. Seungri's face comes soon after and before Jiyong realizes, he's being dragged out of the elevator.

«Wait! I... What's that all about?!» Seungri half shouts, half says. Jiyong is pretty confused himself. As Seungri's hand stopped the elevator, his mind had already elaborated a thousand and one romantic scenarios in which he was held, kissed and whatever –he's also a romantic guy, by the way– but he did not imagine Seungri ruining his dramatic scene by actually asking him what the heck was he doing. This meant he had to explain and _shit_ , he was the worst when it came to express himself, out loud, to the one he was in love.

«I» he sighs, he has to sigh because this will be long and embarassing, especially since he was indirectly been rejected. «what the song says... I mean it. I really do! I was a stupid Seungri, I shouldn't have... but damn! I mean... I was the only one, you know? It hurts! But even though... I... I wish I didn't do it, I wish we were like... no, not really, actually, but maybe something? I mean, something more? I don't... and then you run away! And I wish I... God! I mean... Do you think I wanted it? I mean, I do, I really do, but running here, making a fool of my self! And I thought that maybe... but it's not! And this–» he realishes a strange guttural sound «this doesn't make any fucking sense! I know! I haven't slept in days... That must be it. I...» he clears his throat, ready do organize what he wants to say «Listen» _ok, being coincize is alway a good start, just think about "Me Tarzan, you Jane" it worked!_ «I miss you, actually no... yes, I miss you, but that's not it... I love you» 

It feels weird to finally say those damn three words, it's been years that those were ready to be said, and now that he has said them, well, it feels weird because it was actually... _easy_.

«and I know that it's too late, and that you don't feel the sam–»

«what makes you think that I don't feel the same?» Admittedly, Jiyong doesn't expect Seungri to ask him that, so he's taken aback by the question and starts to sputter a series of "I"s and "you"s until Seungri has no other choice than shutting him up, so he does, and Jiyong thinks he couldn't love more the method he used.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Jiyong realizes that they probably would give away the idea of two starved animals, as they ravish the other's mouth by stumbling backwards until Jiyong's back is pressed against the door. 

It should be more romantic, slower, but truth is that the kiss resemble perfectly the actual desperation he feels. Not that he's negatively desperate, but it all feels like one of his late dreams and he has to bite down flesh and suck skin to actually believe this is not part of his imagination. 

When Seungri finally opens the door, it takes no time before they have discarded their clothes, and when their lips break apart to actually look at where they're going, he presses his bare chest against Seungri's sturdy back, nipping at the skin below the younger's ear. It's a ticklish spot for Seungri, at least that's how he remembers, and he has to restrain from smirking when Seungri let's out a small squeal at the sudden attack.

When they reach Seungri's bedroom, it's an instant before Jiyong pushes Seungri on the bed and starts to ravish his skin. Seungri's body has changed, and he has to check if he reacts as he did before, which he does, and that sends him pleasure throughout his entire self. 

Seungri's moans are deeper and throatier, as well as guttural and rough, which is even more alluring, in Jiyong's opinion. He's hard as a rock and the other is as well, he can feel it by the pressure against his navel, as well as the small humid patch that is forming in the same spot. He licks his way down, from the neck to the happy trail, leaving marks on the way, sucking until the skin is purplish. He breaks his work just to ask for the lube and a condom, and after he obtains the two, he gets back on track and soon he engulfs the leaking length in his mouth. 

He works his way inside the younger with a lubed finger, while he sucks Seungri's cock, not giving a care about his own painful erection. Seungri stiffens when his first fingers is pushed inside, so he does his best, licking the head of the heated cock and swallowing it again. When he inserts his second finger, he has to relax his throat, because Seungri is pushing his head closer, until his nose is grazing the pubic hair. He has to press Seungri's hips back down, or he'll gag, when he inserts a third finger and starts scissoring him. Seungri's is being way to rough, and even though he doesn't hate it, he has to record the next day –Jiyong is thoughtful like that–.

Seungri is ready and pleading, so Jiyong stops his ministrations and wears the condom. He teases the prepped entrance with the head of his length and closes the distance between the two of them, kissing Seungri's mouth, while pushing slowly inside. The kiss is sloppy and their tongues play inside one-another's mouth, and Jiyong has to concentrate to not come right there and then, when the tightness hugs his cock just right. He steadies himself, surprisingly conscious enough to remember that Seungri needs to adapt to his length, so he parts their mouths to clench his teeth shut.

Seungri nips at his lower lip and their eyes meet, Jiyong assumes it's an indication that he can start moving and as he does, he tastes heaven. His thrusts are slow at first, until they build in pace and their surroundings are filled of skin slapping and loud moans.

His back is being scratched by Seungri's nails each time he hits Seungri's prostate, which becomes frequent, once Jiyong angles himself the right way. Seungri is becoming by time more vocal and that is enough to let Jiyong reach his limit, but he does his best to keep it in until Seungri comes, which he does after a few good thrusts. The tightness around his cock gets more tight, if it's even possible, and Jiyong sees stars as he cums inside the younger.

 

 

* * *

 

 

«I love you, too» Seungri says as they rest, one against the other, on the spacious bed. 

Jiyong smiles and kisses Seungri's shoulder, before falling asleep.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wrote this story because I do suffer from insomnia, so basically, the rumbling and nonsense come from that. I felt the need to write this story in one of my restless nights, and this may be the reason behind some randomness or nonsense, so.... sorry for that ^^


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